Why is my ‘Go to’ always anger?
Updated: Jul 25, 2021
This is a question I asked myself a few weeks ago. A friend of mine lost her baby. A miscarriage. It ripped open an old wound of mine that I thought had fully healed. I had suffered infertility for 9 years and I wanted to carry this loss for my friend. I told her I wish it had been me because I knew how to carry that burden. It wasn’t fair. It’s never fair when a nice loving couple who has a warm home to welcome a baby into get’s their dreams crushed by such a loss. Their dreams become dead. That night I laid in bed so angry at God. How could He? They deserve a baby. I turned over in bed and asked my husband, “Why is it that my ‘go to’ is always to get angry with God? I know it isn’t right but I have to be honest with myself since God knows my heart anyway.” He responded with something simple but epic that changed everything inside me. It’s not easy for a husband to be honest with his wife but I was desperate for an answer and he was desperate to get to sleep 🙂 He said, I don’t trust God. What? Hold the phone! Yes I do! Wait a minute, no I don’t. Not with everything. I question whether or not He will allow my friend to get pregnant again because after all it took us 9 years! Well there it is, I don’t trust God. I laid there thinking about it, admitting it and wrestling with it.
The next morning I was reading ‘One Thousand Gifts’ by Ann Voskamp. Wouldn’t you know I have started my own list of #onethousandgifts and here I am not trusting God for the things I don’t understand. The things that I don’t think He should have ‘allowed’. Than I read a verse that pricks my heart and changes everything for me from that moment for the rest of my life.
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all
—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ~ Romans 8:32
Ann says, “Need there be anything more? If God didn’t withold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need?” She also mentions that if trust has to be earned hasn’t God already given us the incomprehensible? So how do I come to accept all the hopes and dreams I have lost that didn’t seem fair for me or for the people I so dearly love? Ann says, “Count blessings and discover Who can be counted on.” So here I am reading this book thinking it will help me to have a more positive attitude because I am choosing thankfulness in so many areas of my life. But I never thought it would test my trust in God. I look at my list of one thousand gifts, I can count on God. I can trust God. I have nothing to fear.
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly. ~ Psalm 5:3
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. ~Philippians 4
My only expectation now is that God hears me and will give me strength. I can trust Him with everything. He has already given me His Son Jesus. Why would He withhold anything from me after giving up His own Son for my sin?
in the clay,
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